Somewhere in the middle of all of this i started thinking about the state of mind of our stalker, and well… after way too much internet research (careful what you Google) and careful observation I started to get a different perspective.
You see, I am just compulsive enough to have a clean kitchen and obsessive enough to get through the day. I am not so obsessive to focus intently in one person and spend my nights walking around their house, breaking into cars, moving around yard ornaments etc. But, our stalker is that obsessive.
This is an excerpt from one of the notes left taped to the side mirror of one of our vehicles which was a source of fascination because you don’t really notice side mirrors(well, most people don’t) until you need them.
Needless to say after a few weeks of notes like this one the side mirrors were left alone… untouched.
“Curious… it’s getting to be like a TV show… You just can’t wait for the next episode.
So, the anger, rage, perceived evils it’s all a phase one that most grow out of. I am not sure what hurts more, the abyss of feelings that are not satisfiable, or the threat of no feelings at all should you actually get them under control.
Take it from someone who comes from the other side of the spectrum where feelings can be scarce. All scenarios have their pain, frustration and inner demands which must be met for any kind of peace to reside in your heart, and to quiet the mind.
You know you could stop… Any time you can just stop. Your feelings will rage on for a while sure… but they will calm down, the noise will quell and peace will start to grow. The urge to materialize your emotions and ideas as direct, literal actions will evolve as well to something more refined as you gain more self-control. You won’t lose what you feel is your magic, you just won’t be a slave to the immersive moods and inner rages.
The inner realm of feeling and emotion is also where illusions lie. Desires, attitudes, self-expression both literal and symbolic are full of pitfalls. Over layered with your own attitudes, desires and expectations this can become treacherous because even all of those are not necessarily known. Surprise misunderstandings of one’s intentions are well a surprise…
Interpreting expressions, especially the non-verbal actions, happenings does not necessarily mean accuracy and perceived influences within certain circumstances are not necessarily accomplishment. Observe and leave space for what you do not know. The more you come here in the middle of the night, the more you relive the very things causing you so much pain and anger. So stop… Take some HTTP5 – its an amino acid to help the mind quite down but does not make you sleepy. It does help obsessive thinking take its rightful place.”
In my own self reflection I can even see the hint of compassion that comes through. My therapist might be proud of me for that.