Idealize, Devalue and Discard: The Narcissistic Stalker: Beyond Romantic Relationships

Anyone who has had the privilege of being stuck on the ride with a stalker, narcissist or a narcissistic stalker will find this story line all too familiar.

The hard part is often by the time you figure out you are even on a very bad theme park ride you may be picking up the pieces or fixing some pretty severe damage from the ride.

There is a great deal of information out there on this cycle (yes, there is enough of it for Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Therapists of all kinds to be familiar with this pattern) so some simple internet searches should yield enough to fill your evening with plenty of crazy regarding relationship patterns of a narcissistic stalker.

The main point to the perspective being brought to this article comes out at the end so, my goal is to make the  read somewhat entertaining. For anyone who has lived this don’t mistake the ‘smarty pants’ attitude for belittling this at all. I have lived and survived this, you are the beneficiary of my coping mechanisms.

Life is but a Dream… or if I can Swing it a Fantasy

Many of us have know idealistic folks that may drive you a bit bonkers with their idealism from time to time. Some of us have more of these folks than others in our lives and circles of relationships.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe idealistic people are necessary as a driving force for good in the world as many of the I have know actually Do Good. Some of them are old hippies stuck in the 1960s and there is nothing wrong with that

(The hippies of the 1960s never understood user experience in their time. Subsequent generations only got a taste or had to live with 2nd hand information as the experience. The hippies never figured out how to sustain the experience of the awakening in the 1960s. So, however much of their subsequent years in their lives was spent validating their experience and never really sharing it with others in a sustainable way so, others can make their own discoveries and have their own awakenings. That requires giving and conscious understanding… and I digress)

some are very young and ambitious in their social enterprising kind of way. I hope they do change the world. And then there are those for whom life is but a dream. Always just close enough to keep reaching but not quite far enough to snap out of it and learn something new. These folks often end up getting sober from the ‘dream high’ and end up living productive lives. We have all gone through this at some point. It is healthy to put dreams in perspective.

Yet, a small percentage of these folks get angry, resentful and go a different way when their dreams are not satisfied, fulfilled or even if they are… if the real life does not match the one in their heads… well, then the story can get a bit weird. Maybe these folks are special enough so they should have their dreams fulfilled over others. Maybe they ‘deserve’ to have their dreams come true over others. (I am restraining laughter at this point)

For me dream energy is a discipline. Use it as a fleeting inspiration and remain firmly grounded as possible.

Having a connection or a closer relationship with these folks can take be very intoxicating. If you have enough of that in you you may even go along for the ride and adopt whatever level of non-verbal principles and crazy you may be with but…  like every party it eventually ends. There is always something that rains on the parade of a narcissistic stalker’s fantasy. It may never even be articulated. You may not even know when that line was crossed. But you will know when the next stage of Devaluing the object, person, organization, idea or thing sets in.

The Party is Over and We Don’t Know Yet How Bad the Hangover will Be

No one every knows how bad the hangover will be from an evening of intoxication. Similarly no one every really knows what life will look like after taking a 6 month, year long or even a few years or longer hiatus from the human experience to be absorbed in an intoxicating relationship. These relationships that absorb and consume a life do not have to be physically or sexually intimate. They will however be emotionally and/or mentally intimate and can demand just as much time energy and resources as a physically intimate relationship.

Once the party is over uncertainty and unpredictability will set it. Sometimes we don’t know how valuable an ideal or fantasy is to us until the only expression we knew of it in this world is no longer available to us. We then have to reconcile the difference between what is/was in our heads and what we have in real life. Very often those two things are very different.

Depending on everything your narcissistic stalker had invested into the fantasy and the capacity for negativity in their nature will shape what happens next. This could end up being anything. There are many ways to deal with a narcissistic stalker. Above and beyond all be careful and watch your back.

If you are one of the lucky ones they will pack their bags and leave. This is usually not likely for a number of reasons.

  • If you are/were part of a fantasy then you are also to blame at least partly for the lack of fulfillment.
  • You may even be punished for not following your unspoken part in an undefined, un-articulated fantasy. (After all it is only a true fantasy if it magically happens without anyone being an active, conscious participant. Unconscious success is very important to people who fantasize their lives and relationships)
  • You are the reason for the sadness, disappointment and disillusionment. nothing is wrong with the fantasy (which is still held so dear)
  • The fantasy has now become more important than the material efforts to bring it into the world. This is especially true if someone has shown themselves to be ‘not worthy’ of being a part of a fantasy.
  • The fantasy may include the disillusionment and disappointment and you may now become the role of the villain and the fantasy can take a different turn. Now there is a bad guy to vanquish and/or destroy.

Devaluing can take the forms of your typical scenario that many of us have seen when someone we are close to is disappointed and/or wants out of a relationship. But maybe they are passive aggressive enough to not say anything directly. Instead you may get to experience the following:

  • Criticism, and lots of it. All of a sudden those wonderful things about you that were once valued become a liability.
  • Bipolar behavior. Or something that seems like this. The high highs become low lows.
  • Blame. Once the object of love and attention. you become the object of blame and all the bad things in someone’s life.

These things can vary based on the personality, education, skills, conditioning, emotional mindset etc. These patterns are what I have heard about from other survivors and experienced.

Similar to the first stage there is the next stage. You may not know consciously (though by now you have I pretty clear idea that it can happen and that it can be unpredictably bad) but you will at some point.

Once the Treasure….  Now the Trash

And here we are. If you are not discarded you will be in some way, shape or form. Once the prized treasure, you are now the trash. I have been asked about motives and reasons about people like this. I stopped asking why to many things some time ago.

When it comes to narcissistic stalkers and people with related emotional, mental and addictive issues the question of “Why?” is not necessarily and answerable one.

This phase can look like a number of things. As I said before, count yourself lucky if they pack their bags and you never see or hear from them again. For the rest of us we have to wade through a variety of shi**y experiences and put our lives back together in some effort to start anew.

You will know when you are discarded. you can experience some of these things and much more.

  • Trash talk and lots of it. You see, you were at the least a disappointment so, how does that experience get shared with you? They turn the tables and share that disappointment and many other things probably with any and everyone you have connections to.
  • Retaliation. This can be such a mine field of surprises from little things that ruin your day to out right criminal behavior, vandalism, breaking and entering, stalking, and violence. If this goes by the way of stalking and criminal behavior learn more about the stalking laws in your state and how you can protect yourself.

By this time your narcissistic stalker likely has another object.. er target of their attentions. One who can keep the fantasy going… at least for the moment. You could do a decent thing and give them a heads up. If however, they have bought into the fantasy it could come back at you. Use your judgement.