What is the real challenge that comes with stalking. We have to set aside the reactions, judgments, cruel surprises oh… and illegality of it all to reach a deeper insight.
Seriously, this is not just me coming to terms with to surviving a stalker. This is an attempt at understanding what I/we have not been able to understand (with giving consideration to the possibility that from the aggressor/stalker’s perspective there may not be any further consciousness other than immediate gratification or dislike for the object of the aggression). Basically, I am working with understanding stalker motivations.
Even after the ‘discard phase’ (I am not sure there is ever really a ‘discard phase’) life still goes on and the healthiest thing to do is move on.
Insights… Realizations… Survival & Moving On
One of the biggest insights in our circumstance was discovering everything we did not have direct focus on was a target of the stalker.
Over time this showed us more about our stalker through observation. The tenancy to interact with and acknowledge things, communications and any personal energy expended that was indirect, ignored or was not in our direct attention or focus was more of a target than anything that was or did receive direct attention.
If this was not so consistent, I would probably write it all off as a series of wtf moments.
I already knew from the alcoholic folks in our family that there is an opportunism to drink when the supposedly sober people in the family are not looking. This tenancy alone has fueled generations of alcoholism so… as inventive as people are of course they will find a way to use this for other nifty activities.
Stalking Motivations & Other Forms of Emotional & Physical Abuse
So… I did what many do when faced with a question… I reached out to the IoT to see what came back about this and did find a few things.
While ever so fashionable… narcissism kept coming up again and again as being a main motivating factor for all sorts of bad decisions and behaviors.
Stalking and other such sneaky bullying types of behaviors seem to be a favorite of the malignant narcissist and the ‘image conscious narcissist’ who desperately wants to be loved and adored by all… but secretly despises the very same people they need the love and adoration from. Hence, the gap to bad decisions and behaviors is pretty small with all those hidden feelings never seeing the light of day.
Other experts in Narcissism seem to think there is a link because after all narcissists DO have feelings, they just don’t think anyone else does.
Narcissism and the Negative Space in Our Relationships
How much thought do you give to the people, relationships and even the physical environment in our lives? probably not that much unless you have to.
This is the intent for using the term ‘Negative Space’ Since humanity really has not evolved to be able to put all of our attention on everything all of the time, there will always be elements of our lives which reside in the ‘background’ of our existence.
Some also call this space your ‘blindspots’. It feels this way because you are the only one experiencing this. Those around you might not be experiencing even remotely the same experience with the same person.
Any slight of hand only requires you to pay attention to one thing. When that is happening then often one or more other things can be happening:
- Something else is happening somewhere else that you will discover later
- More information is being gathered about you and how you learn in that moment.
- Or Both.
So, it is not too much of a stretch to make to understand that Narcissistic behavior is a big factor would only take seriously the negative space in our lives and relationships.
They would have to be constantly be questioning and proving via indirect information.
Ironic but this gives cover to all the hidden judgments, preconceived ideas, and circular arguments which never get exposed or checked for accuracy.
Resolution would also mean acknowledgement of others, which would mean validating someone else and their experiences. This alone is a a seemingly impossible job for any narcissist. After all.. it’s not that Narcissists don’t have feelings… They just don’t believe anyone else does and if on the odd chance they do, they their feelings are not as important as theirs.
This explanation rang true to our experience hence the focus. I know there are many, many other reasons out there for stalking behavior.