Stalking and Belief: Why Friends and Family Don’t Understand

Stalking and What People Don’t Believe: The Unexpected

Like any unexpected event in life such as a car wreck, boating accident, house fire, pregnancy, and getting struck by lightning, no one is ever ready for the unexpected.

You just roll with the changes adjust, adapt, and cope as best you can.

But with a stalker you have two things going on. The creep factor… Because by the time you figure out that it’s happening and you can actually confirm in a tangible way that other people can understand… there’s a distinct possibility it could have been going on for years in various different ways. This by itself results in quite a bit of self doubt and self questioning about what you see and think about quite a few things and people.

Then there is what people believe. Our own experiences, attitudes, values and all that non-verbal stuff we bring to our lives has a large role in how we process and view our experiences. So, when the person next to us has a drastically different experience (and a negative one to boot) we naturally question them and their perception of that experience(even though we may not have been there at all).

After all, they are so close to us relationship wise… How could they have had such a different experience?

Why is Stalking so Hard to Believe?

So there are two key points related to stalking carrying significance when it comes to what people believe and why.

  1. Having definite information which can be confirmed about your stalker in a way that other people can understand is the first point and it’s a big one.
  2. The second point is the figuring out that is even been happening at all. With stalking you have plausible deniability. In your own mind the thinking sounds something like… Maybe this happened, and maybe it didn’t, maybe this item was moved, maybe the house was broken into and maybe… maybe… maybe.

While all along someone was actually doing those things and getting their jollies watching you just about go crazy trying to figure it out and then proving it to everyone else that it really was.

The maybes don’t last forever. Stalkers have blindspots too. It just may be a bit to find and use them.

Shock: How Can This Be Happening?

With some of the more dramatic sudden surprises described above this question doesn’t even come up simply because you never had time to reflect during the car accident about the car accident, or house fire, and it’s clear that you have no control of any of those circumstances to start with… no one would.

With stalking however, you still have that plausible deniability of maybe I could have done something about it… Maybe I caused this? Maybe I hurt them some how? Maybe… Maybe… Maybe.

This nagging thought lingers and lingers.

It’s the imagined possibility lingering in the mind combined with the lack of straightforward evidence (of course the evidence and articulated processes used to arrive at the result the target of stalking is experiencing.

Don’t all crimes needs to show themselves in a Power Point to make it easier to learn about right?) which is at the core of the crazy making involved with stalking.

So, it’s easy to see how your friends and family can’t walk a mile in your shoes right away. Nothing is on their terms. Nothing is on yours either when you are surviving a stalker.

So far, up to this point only the stalker is getting anything on their terms…

More Shock & Awe: Oh, They can’t Possibly Be the one Doing This?

This is the next mountain to climb. It can also be the hardest.

Depending on how endeared the stalker is (and depending on how much of a fixture they are within your community of family and friends) will directly challenge all the happy thoughts, nostalgia and sentiment the stalker has earned with others in your relationship orbit.

For anyone dealing with this scenario get ready to be as tough as you can be. The heartache alone coupled with retaliation once word gets back to the stalker that their endeared position and relationships are being challenged by… gasp, evidence… can be damaging if not deadly.

So… If you have to poke the bear… Do it with pictures and hard undeniable evidence.

Even if you have hard evidence there will be disbelief and push back. In this case drip feed the evidence bit by bit. Then the friends and family will walk a mile in your shoes for sure.

If you are really lucky, as a bonus, you will also get blatant denial.

Don’t forget, this has more to do with human nature of people in general combined with the abusive behaviors of someone who has many faces. They are abusing the unspoken trust that sits between people.

The Mental Stereotype: I’m not a Victim but everyone else is looking at me like I am.

This is probably the biggest internal mountain to climb. In a similar vein of facing the plausible deniability of the stalking even happening, let alone the shock and disbelief of who it is, at the end of the day you have to face yourself.

To be dealing with a stalking circumstance and then have to try to live your life is to be in two worlds while being alone in both.

So, don’t expect support, don’t expect others to relate or even care.

It’s human nature to push back against anything different or unusual. Stalking presents and unusual circumstance when it comes to emotional connections and relationships, especially if the stalker is a fixture in your community of friends and family.

The assumed space when different people within a group have disparate and contradictory experiences with the same person inevitably leads to misunderstanding and conflict.

This refers to other articles about gossip and stalking. It’s not necessarily the gossip that does the damage but the resulting misunderstandings that follow.

This misunderstanding and conflict can create yet another space for a stalker to do further damage if they so choose.

Like everything else in life, nothing lasts forever. In the meantime, be aware of everything you can.

Disappointing Acceptance: Why Good People Do Bad Things

First off the above phrase is to allow for a space for that shred of humanity that may still exist in a stalker.

Certainly from the perspective of the experience that we have had I question if some people were that good to start with. I know there are other people out there who share my sentiment.

This part can be hard because at some point life is really, really cruddy and there’s no way around it there’s no way out and it seems like there’s no help or assistance.

Fortunately for me I’m more realistic than idealistic so certain attitudes were just confirmed and not that much of a surprise regarding just how crappy people can be. For those people who are idealistic this can be extremely heartbreaking.

The only way to work through this is to accept it on some level. Sometimes the only way to help another perspective come forward is through acceptance. In the meantime you are having to deal with multiple layers of unknowns.

Moving forward has meant having yet more unknowns in my life.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Well, even at this writing this story is not done so, it will mean more content to write about if nothing else.

As far as healing… well that is certainly another unknown and something that is probably only in the very early stages if at all.

Even if you have evidence and have broken down some of these walls. Extracting a stalker from your life is a whole other story…

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3 thoughts on “Stalking and Belief: Why Friends and Family Don’t Understand”

  1. Firstly, let me thank you for taking the time to put this website together. The information on it is very helpful. I am currently being stalked by my narcissistic ex-husband. He left nearly three years ago but is still hacking into my phone, Android email account etc. I stupidly did not immediately change the locks when he left and he came into my home while I was at work. He stole odd things like my brand new shower hose and replaced it with an old one. He left an old computer tower here too. He defecated in my toilet and did not flush it afterwards. He has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and zero fear of the police. I did not report the break-in to the police because I knew they would have accused me of being stupid for not immediately changing the locks. I cannot believe this is happening to me. I treated him so well… I think he is very angry that I figured him out and that I said so in my divorce response. He has devoted a lot of time and effort into making people believe that he is the perfect man but towards the end I saw through the fa├žade and realised that I was dealing with a cold, manipulative, angry and selfish ‘hologram’. He has made many attempts to provoke me to a response but I have been ‘no contact’ for almost all the time he has been gone. I am speaking to the police tomorrow. I am also changing my mobile number and will have to move home. Here in the UK there is something called a Stalking Protection Order. I do not know much about SPO legislation because it is still quite new but I will find out more when I speak to the officer tomorrow. Once again, thank you for your hard work and for showing me that something positive can come out of this kind of experience.

  2. Thank you for this post. I had good parents that taught me that lying has severe consequences. To have people accuse me of being a liar about the man stalking me really wounds me. Rarely does anyone who says those words to me apologize when facts testify to the truth of my words. I have never faced as much stress as I do now with the unrelenting stalking. Thank God for those people who do understand what I face and believe me.

  3. It is so tedious. A stalker is in endless angry pursuit of the person they have decided to target. In addition, they are destructive of physical posssessions–seemingly to both show their presence as well as their prowess, and their dominion over their victim. I am learning (as best I can) to ignore this person, ignore their childish destruction and need for recognition, and simply go about my life. Am I tired of the hours (usually 4 or more) I have to spend on cleaning and reordering my home when I have been gone to church, a medical appointment, grocery shopping, car maintenance appt. or whatever. This is not how I planned my retirement [I am 70]. However, in my life I have learned that life continually has bumps and bruises. So I endure and choose to limit how much mental/emotional energy to expend in response.

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